Chapter 1

My name is Alan Nah Ming Wen. I was born on 20th August 1985. In a few months’ time, I will be eighteen, an age that I once looked forward to.

How is my life? That depends on your point of view. If you compare me with the rich and famous, I am probably leading a very pathetic life. However, if you compare my life with a person that has not been emotionally and spiritually fulfilled, then my life cannot be more perfect.

My point of view?

Frankly, until I voice it out now, I have never thought of that question. So, I do not have much of an idea.
Like any other teenagers, I have a dream. It sounds out of reach, but I tell myself that it is not impossible. I wish that one day I could be a hero, someone who would save the world. Sounds immature? But, I believe that the best dreams usually spring from passion. I once wondered if this silly dream of mine will fade off, but oddly, it grew more intense over time.

I was brought up single-handedly by my Ma. For the longest time, I did not know what happened to my Pa. My Ma has always told me that he died in a car accident when I was 10. I left it at that. I did not bring up the issue ever again for fear that it might upset my Ma.

Bad things usually collide in full force in a series. A few years after my Pa’s demise, my Ma began to encounter serious problems with her kidneys. The doctors told us that it was kidney failure. After her first operation, my Ma was prescribed with oral medication. But, over time, her condition visibly deteriorated. Eventually, she was instructed to go for kidney dialysis three times per week.

My Ma would cry silently in her room everyday since then. As always, whenever I open the door, my Ma would try to wipe away her tears. But, her red eyes always give her away. I have always yearned to lessen her pain. Since I was 12, I had wanted to quit school to work fulltime. But, she turned livid at my suggestion and told me she would never allow that to happen.

And so, life went on like before. We tried our best to skimp and save, spending our money mainly on food. I rejected every social invitation from my friends because I knew that involved too much money. Of course, I came up with a horde of excuses: I need to stay home to finish my homework, my exams are coming, my Ma grounded me… Any excuse that you can think of, I would have used it before.

At 16, I secretly started work as a part-time waiter in a restaurant. I only told Ah Ma much later. She was unhappy, but had to accept it. Around that time, I made it into the Arts Stream at Boon Lay Junior College. Thus, it became an after-school routine to rush to work, neglecting my friends and homework.

What does every teenager do with their hard-earned money? They probably go clubbing, buy the most ‘in’ fashion, smoke and drink. What about me? I buy rice, soy sauce, beansprouts, the occasional can of luncheon meat and settle the household bills…

Life has always been tough. Every minute, I would ponder over what might happen next because I never have enough money for three decent meals.

I did apply for bursary, but was rejected due to my poor grades. How can one produce good results when he is studying full-time and working close to full-time, as well?

Somehow, every life has a turning point. I have always expected my turning point to appear when I started work in the executive line. I considered that as a way out of my financial difficulties.

I never expected my turning point to come when I was only seventeen, just one year before the legal age.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That day, as with any other, the sun showed no mercy. The almighty orb was attacking the earth with its all-reaching beams. The temperature had reached a frenzy whereby my sweat glands were working on overdrive.

Lessons ended late that day. To save time, I changed into my outside clothes in the school loo. It was just my luck to have packed along an all-black set from top to toe. It would be a forty-five minutes’ walk to get to Nepalideli. Walking has always been my preferred way of transportation, mainly because it is free of charge. To me, that is a good exercise to keep myself fit.

Like any other day, I had to pass through Boon Lay Square, the popular shopping complex. Yet, that day turned out to be special. Due to the lack of sleep the night before, I decided to nap at the complex to recharge myself.

The cool air-conditioned complex welcomed me. It was a good, free shelter from the glaring sun. It had been a long time since I did some serious window-shopping. There were so many things that I wanted to buy: A watch, a new pair of jeans, a new handphone… but, at the back of my mind, I knew they would never be mine. If I could not even afford dinner for tomorrow, what good was a new pair of jeans?

Just then, my handphone rang. It was a call from the Nepalese restaurant where I worked at. They said that I was not needed that day since they had a special last-minute function and needed banquet workers only. Naturally, I volunteered for it. Unfortunately, I was rejected because I was untrained.

With a dazed mind, fuming over all the spare time I suddenly had, I entered the lift. Within seconds, I was at the highest floor. I did not realize that until I stepped out. Bemused, I made my way to the roof, to find some respite.

Amazingly, the clouds had devoured the sun by then. I smiled, thinking that luck might just be on my side. I surveyed the roof. All I saw were pipes running across the entire area, coughing up exhaust fumes. There was nothing exciting up here.

Just as I was about to settle for a quiet spot, I caught sight of a figure at the far end. It seemed to be a girl. Upon closer scrutiny, I could tell she was wearing an all-black ensemble just like me. She was wearing a tight top matched with figure-hugging pants. Her long black hair was staging a wild dance in the wind.

Curiosity piqued, I inspected her every movement, listening to every sound that came from her direction. I swore that I heard a soft sobbing earlier on.

I watched her take a step closer to the ledge with every passing moment, gazing skywards.

“No!” I screamed.

Trembling, she turned to face me directly. I noticed that she had a pair of yellow shades resting upon her aquiline nose. Her eyes were large and round, expressing nothing but shock. Her rose-bud lips were shaped into an “O”, as she gasped in surprise. Wow! She sure was beautiful.

Tears were falling copiously from her red swollen eyes.

“Who are you?” she asked, her voice as sweet as she looked.

Her question left a big question mark on my mind. How should I answer? Was I supposed to say my name, or just tell her that I was a mere passerby?

“My name is Alan Nah. I’m just passing by.” I said both.

“What do you want?” her voice was now shrill.

“What do you want?” I shot back.

Interesting.

She glanced at me for a long time, expecting me to answer my own question.

Then, with a sweep of her hands, she shrieked, “Go away!”

“I won’t. I’d never leave a girl to die like this.”

She inhaled deeply and then froze and, for a moment, I thought she was going to explode.

“What do you want? What?” she repeated, apparently confused.

I inched forward.

“Let me help.” I offered, lifting my hands up.

“No… You won’t understand.”

She cupped her face with her hands and wailed.

Then, without any warning, she repeated loudly, “You won’t understand!”

“If you don’t even try, how would you know?”

I fought an internal battle to stay calm. The worst thing to what could happen now was to see the girl jump off right before my eyes.

“No one can help me.”

“That’s because you refuse to let others help you.” I insisted, my tone so serious that even I was surprised.

“If you’re willing to let others help you, there is hope yet. Trust me.”

An anxious silence ensued.

“You’re a student?” she suddenly asked, giving me the once-over.

Although I was not wearing my school uniform, my boyish look was a dead giveaway.

I took one more step forward.

“Yes. From JC. Boon Lay Junior College.”

To buy time, I asked, “You? A student, too?”

“No,” she said simply, unaware that I had taken another step forward.

“I see…” my mind searched for a question to distract her.

One more step.

“So, how old are you?”

Ah, shit! Girls hated people to ask about their age… But, it was too late! The words had already been spoken.

With a tinge of playfulness, she replied curtly, “Don’t you know a woman’s age is always a secret?”

Without her knowing, another step had been taken. Two more steps, and I would be standing close to her.

“I’m sorry.” I apologised sheepishly and asked, “So, you’re working?”

I realized she had stopped crying.

“No.” she replied nonchalantly.

One more step.

“I see.”

With lightning-quick speed, I grabbed her arms. As expected, she struggled to break free from my grasp. But, her strength was no match for my will power to control her.

“Let me help!” I commanded as loudly as I could.

She stopped struggling as her eyes closed in on mine.

“Who do you think you are? You really think you can help?”

“Look! I’ve taken a lot of steps to reach you. And, I’m not letting you go unless you accept my help.”
She started sobbing again.

Just as I fumbled for a handkerchief, she lurched forward to hug me, all of a sudden.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We sat at Kopi Nuts’ Hut in silence.

She never said anything.

I said nothing, as well.

Occasionally, I stole peeks at her.

Without a word, she stood up and headed for the counter.

Kopi Nuts’ Hut… I have never had coffee there before that fateful day. The one at the nearby coffee-shop costs only sixty cents, and I buy it only if I am really exhausted.

Within minutes, she was back with a plastic cup in each hand. She swayed unsteadily and looked as if she was going to overturn one over me.

“Just kidding!” she bellowed, as she sat down with her cup.

I stirred my cup of coffee, toying with the whipped cream at the top.

In between sips, she continued softly, “You’ve changed my thinking.”

Actually, I still had the burning question: Why does she want to commit suicide? She looks so pretty, so healthy… what could have driven her to the edge?

As if sensing my thoughts, she shook her head vehemently.

“Don’t ask me why, okay?”

“I didn’t ask.” I muttered, taking my first gulp of my drink.

Man, that was the first time I tasted coffee with a straw, and the coffee was incredibly cold.

“22.”

“What?” I gasped, taken aback by the cold coffee.

“My age,” she clarified, and then added, “How about you?”

I shrugged and mumbled, “17. But, 18 soon.”

I was wearing my uniform. There was no way I could lie.

“Which school are you from, again?” she asked with raised brows.

“Boon Lay Junior College.” I answered with pride. “It’s close by.”

She nodded, and then tossed her head from side to side, as if she was trying to figure out something.

I started scanning the crowd at the shopping complex, wondering if I would come across any familiar faces. How was I going to answer if I got caught hanging out with this pretty babe alone? Rumours would spread like wild fire in my class, before raging on through the entire school.

“I see. You look and talk pretty mature.”

I blushed, taking it as a compliment.

There was nothing much to add. I did not know what to add, and neither did she. We continued drinking in silence, each eyeing the surroundings and trying not to make eye contact.

“Aren’t you going to ask anything about me?” she remarked out of the blue.

“I don’t think you would say anything.”

She chuckled. “I won’t say why I wanted to fly off like Supergirl, but I didn’t say I won’t say anything else.”

Girls are so strange: Fifteen minutes ago, she was this girl crying her heart out, ready to meet her doom. Now, she could joke about it like it was no big deal.

“Well, erm…” I began with the basics. “What’s your name?”

“Destiny. Destiny Wu.” she answered. “You’re Alan, right? I remember your name.”

“Yep, Alan Nah.”

While I picked my brains for the next question, she cut in, “So what are you doing at the roof?”

“I… erm… I was just passing by.” I stammered, wondering if it sounded weird.

She laughed out loud. “Passing by the roof? Hmm… so, you’re just out of the school?”

I nodded.

“JC… hmm… I used to… But, well, I quit after my first year.” She declared, as she waited for my response. I just kept quiet.

“Ask me why I quit school!” she commanded me.

“Okay, why did you quit school?” I obeyed. Just like a dog.

“Because I had no future. Destiny has written my life.”

“What?”

She shook her head, pushing her empty cup away.

“You’ll never understand.”

She was the strangest person I had ever encountered. I froze, not knowing what to do. So, I decided to divert my attention to the passing crowd.

“Looking for your girlfriend?” she teased.

“I’ve got no girlfriend!” I protested.

“I’ve got no boyfriend, as well.” she answered quickly.

Now, I was getting more interested.

“Why?” I asked, a little too eagerly.

“Because, as I said, destiny has written my life.”

I wondered if she expected me to derive a conclusion somehow. I had no idea what she was hinting at.

“I see.” I stirred my coffee while considering what to say.

“Why aren’t you working now? Can’t find a job?” I changed the subject.

“Because destiny doesn’t allow me to.”

Damn it! She was freaking me out with her destiny talk.

Once again, I was too lazy to solve the puzzle. So, I just nodded with a polite smile.

“Do you believe in destiny?” she asked meekly.

“I believe we write our own destiny.” I said dryly.

She hung her head low, as if she was trying to digest my answer.

“Hey, Alan, thanks for everything.”

This time, I could feel the sincerity in her voice. “You’re a nice guy.”

With that, she stood up.

“I’d better be going. Study hard.”

I nodded in compliance.

She walked off, leaving me alone in the café. As I watched her disappear into the distance, I was devoured by this intense feeling… It is that feeling that eats into you when you miss someone.
Was I missing her?

Bullshit!

She was just a girl I barely knew. An older one, at that. To make matters worse, she was jobless!

Impossible!

It was until I lay in bed that night then, I realized her image still haunted my mind. I did miss her, after all.

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