Chapter 5

The embrace lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Both of us refused to part.

I could feel my heart thumping so fast that I almost forgot to breathe.

Destiny smiled, parting her luscious lips slightly.

“You don’t mind going out with someone who is five years older than you?”

I shook my head adamantly.

“I love you.”

We smiled and gazed at the stars above. She rested her head on my right shoulder and I stroked her hair gently.

“I can hear your heartbeat.” she purred.

I moved her face gently towards my chest and took a deep breath. “It’s not my heartbeat. It’s my heart singing for you.”

Unexplainable bliss glowed inside me, but the thought of her deserting me stabbed like a billion needles into my soul. Whenever she was close, I felt the need to be closer. Whenever she frowned, I felt the need to smile for her sake. Whenever she seemed sad, I wanted to make everything okay again.
Was this love?

I had never been in a relationship before. This kind of feeling… it seemed so new, yet so unbearable, so uncontrollable. My mind was losing its authority over my body: My heart was dictating every movement of my muscle.

I held Destiny closer. I was painfully aware that there were secrets she hid in her heart. I had searched so desperately for an answer. I needed to know.

“Destiny, can you tell me your problem now?”

She was not facing me, but the wetness on the shirt and the soft sobbing told me that I had made her cry, again. The best thing I could do now was to hold her tighter, never letting go.

“Alan…” her voice was weak. “I… I can’t tell you…”

“Why?” was my immediate response.

“I just can’t. I… Alan…”

“You have a past, is that it?” I probed.

“Yes. My past shapes my future. My future has been sealed by destiny.”

With that, she started weeping again. My heart cracked.

“Let me be the one to help…” I urged.

It was my heart speaking.

“I promise.”

Two words. I wanted to unlock the door to her future. Destiny had to grant me the permission to do so.
“Will you do anything for me, then?” she whispered.

I nodded. “Anything.”

She leaned closer, heaving her bosoms heavily.

“Will you risk your life to save me?”

I did not think that she would be the type to ask such questions. These were the sort of hypothetical questions that often led a couple to quarrel. So, I fought my compulsion, keeping my composure.

I answered, waveringly, “I will.”

She looked at me through her tear-strained eyes.

I had reached my conclusion: I love Destiny, and that feeling was mutual. Yes, I would do anything for her, even to the extent of risking my life to save her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our first official date was at Boon Lay Square, two days later. I had applied for urgent leave at my work place and had skipped school just to get ready for the occasion. Not wanting her to worry, I lied to her that it was my rest day and that my school lessons were put on hold because of Sports Day.

I had worn the best clothes that I could pick out from my wardrobe. It was this white linen shirt and a pair of corduroy pants that I had bought at a sale, a couple of years back. I also put on my one and only pair of shiny polished boots.

A little after the appointed time, Destiny arrived. Her shiny glasses, silky jet black hair, sharp and sexy nose, tiny yet pouty mouth, all combined to form the most perfect woman in the world. She was wearing this batik blouse paired with a pair of faded blue jeans that showed off her curvy hips.

“Hi,” I greeted, my voice hoarse. “You look pretty today.”

She smiled sweetly. “You look pretty… nice, as well.”

Thousands of words were exchanged and hundreds of jokes traded. Everything under the sun was discussed without reservations. However, no matter how much I hinted, she would not divulge her reasons for attempting suicide.

We went on a few more dates, from movies to… erm, sun and star gazing. We did almost everything a couple would do. I was happy whenever I was with her. Whenever it was time to part, I felt a terrible sense of loss and despair, gladdened only by the thought of seeing her again.

For Destiny, I skipped many classes. I had even bargained with the Nepalideli bosses, who finally gave me a raise based on my good rapport with the clients. Thus, I had more time and money to spend with Destiny. She had become my main source of happiness.

Most of the time, Destiny would offer to treat me. She knew about my budget constraints, but seldom mentioned it. I tried questioning her background, but that was another secret she was keen to keep.

She often reminded me, “Everyone has a dark secret. If you probe, the relationship might be forced to end.”

I wondered what dark secret I should have. I had told her everything about me – from my childhood to my teenage years.

Then, there came this date that I could not forget. Destiny insisted on going to Orchard Road for dinner. She led the way to the restaurant; one that looked so exclusive, that I hesitated entering.

“Come on, Alan.” she persuaded me.

The twenty dollars in my wallet was supposed to last me three days. Watching her pleading face, I softened my heart.

How far could twenty dollars stretch in such a grand restaurant? I willed myself not to think of the consequences I had to face later.

Destiny looked at me with her large pleading eyes. I gritted my teeth and led her into the restaurant, holding her right hand tightly. No wonder Destiny had asked me to wear more formally that night. She, herself, was dressed up to the nines for our romantic dinner.

Almost immediately, a young waiter rushed forward to greet us. I noticed that the posh restaurant was rather dim, lighted only by a few expensive-looking chandeliers. The smiling waiter led us to a table at the corner. Then, he nodded to us and proceeded to light the two pink candles that were shaped like flamingos, placed on a glass in the centre of the table. As the flames flickered, I saw Destiny’s eyes lighting up with excitement.

“This is the first time I’m in such a luxurious restaurant.” I said, thumbing through the menu. There were no dishes that cost less than $30. Why, even a cup of coffee cost $8! Definitely more expensive than Kopi Nuts’ Hut…

Destiny remained resolutely quiet, as she inspected the menu. After a while, she placed it on the table and waved towards the distance behind me.

I turned to see a guy wearing a snazzy suit.

Destiny lifted her hand and snapped her fingers. “Alan, you ready to order? I’ll have the fish and chips.”
I had barely made out the name of the dish. “She-Sar Salad?”

“Ceasar Salad? Just that? On a diet?” Destiny teased.

“I like salad.” I explained. Actually, I like cheap food.

She passed the menu to the waiter and added, “Two cups of hot coffee. Serve after the meal, thank you.”

I never said I wanted any drinks! The waiter smiled politely and walked briskly off without much fanfare.

“Destiny! Coffee during dinner? It’ll keep us awake all night.”

“Why, you sleepy? Sleepy in the middle of a romantic night?”

She blew softly on the candles and giggled, as she saw the flames flicker.

I was basking in bliss.

Our food came a few minutes later. They looked and smelled heavenly! I stared in awe, as I reached for my cutlery, conveniently forgetting about the bill that would inevitably come along.

“Delicious.” I commented, with my mouth full.

“Do you have enough money?” she suddenly asked.

I nodded slowly. “Yeah. No worries. I received my pay the day before yesterday.” Yeah, of course I did
not have enough. My salad was $35.99++. And, I only had $20 in my wallet.

We enjoyed our meal, joking and laughing in between mouthfuls. But, it was soon time for me to snap back to reality.

“Stay here.” I instructed. “I’m going to settle the bill.”

“Ask the waiter over.” Destiny said, as she lifted her hand.

“No!” I resisted. “I’m using NETS. I’ll pay at the counter.”

I stood up and headed for the counter.

A manager spotted me and ran to meet me mid-way. I wondered if he would still smile after I told him about my predicament.

“Sorry, do you accept NETS?” Never mind, I only had $12.35 in my account…

“Yes, sir, we do.” the manager answered discreetly. “You may return to your table, sir.”

“No.” I declined politely. “Can I go out to withdraw money?

“Is Miss Wu staying behind, sir?”

Oh my God! He knew Destiny! What the hell!

“Erm… no. But… look, I can leave my IC with you. I promise to return for it and settle my bills. I… I…”

The manager looked flabbergasted, hesitated for a while and then continued. “Sir, no need to deposit your IC. We trust you. In Ven’s Restaurant and Café, we take pride in our… ”

I did not care about his wordy company motto that he regurgitated with gusto. I just smiled; glad that I would not be embarrassed in front of Destiny.

Destiny stood up gracefully and motioned me to the entrance. As we walked, she acknowledged every waiter who smiled at us. Apparently, at Ven’s Restaurant and Café, they must treat everyone like royalty. They should. After all, their salad was $35.99++.

I accompanied Destiny all the way to the MRT Station. At the gates, I could control myself no longer.

“I’m sorry, Destiny. I’m meeting a friend. Pierre, you remember? So, can you go off by yourself?”

I expected an outburst. However, she just smiled and nodded meekly. In the spur of the moment, I gave her a tight hug. She broke free, smiled and saved a quick goodbye.

As I watched Destiny walk away, I could only pray that the restaurant manager had not called in the police, yet. But then, I had not deposited my identity card. Why should I go back? They did not even know who I was… Wait! They knew who Destiny was. There was no way I was going to land Destiny in hot soup.

“Are you ready to wash the dishes?”

It was the manager. His tone was surprisingly friendly.

I frowned. He knew I had no money?

“I’m sorry… what do you mean?”

“It’s okay. The dishes are in the kitchen. Finish them up and I would consider the bill settled.”

He calmly directed me towards the kitchen. I guessed I was not the only freeloader they had encountered.

That whole evening, I washed the dishes without a grumble. Amazingly, I was enjoying myself, smiling at the dishes and singing to the song of running tap.

Much later, I went up to the manager and asked if he could keep the whole matter under wraps from Destiny.

He agreed readily, no questions asked.

I walked home that night, marvelling at the events of the past few weeks. I must admit, those were the best weeks of my life. For the seventeen years that I had lived so far, these few weeks were the only time that I had felt any form of happiness.

Until… until that dreadful day.

A day that I regretted forever and ever.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We had planned an early lunch. After meeting at my void deck, we made our way past the dark and soulless alley that was home for the neighbourhood mice.

I felt like a man guided by an angel. Destiny’s eyes beamed at me, filling my heart with pure love. I would walk right beside her and lean close to her. She would laugh, but always tried to keep a slight distance between us. I gathered that, despite her tough outlook, she was still bashful when it came to relationships.

It was then that everything went haywire.

All of a sudden, a man sprung out from nowhere. His speed was as fast as lightning, and we were caught unaware. He dashed towards us like a mad man, swinging a knife frenziedly.

At that instant, I did something terribly wrong.

So wrong, I would never forgive myself.

Never.

Never, ever.

“Run!”

I released my grip on Destiny’s hand. And, I ran…

My legs sped away, with the wind cutting across my face and blinding my vision. I never looked back; not even once. I just kept running, as the man’s screams got more distant.

When I stopped to catch my breath, I realized that I was out of the alley. I was in the crowded street.

Where was Destiny? Shock took over when it dawned on me that Destiny was nowhere to be seen. In panic, I shouted for her.

Guilt and depression engulfed me. My eyes scuttled through the crowds in horror. I rushed back to the alley and combed the area. She was nowhere to be seen.

In desperation, I dialled Destiny.

I could not reach her.

Negative thoughts taunted me, but led me nowhere. Had she been stabbed? Was she dead?

I never gave up.

I screamed her name aloud, alerting everyone around, asking if they had seen her. Every five minutes, I continued to dial her handphone. No one answered. I tried to SMS her, but it proved futile, as well.

 There was no response.

“Will you risk your life to save me?”

Destiny’s words came back to me.

It hurt a lot. That sentence taunted me, as I scurried around. It was painful, a lot more painful than physical affliction. And, when I recalled what I had said, the pain multiplied.

“I will.”

I will?

But, what the hell did I do? I ran away at the first sign of danger.

Alan Nah, what the hell have you done?

I rushed to the nearest police station and filed a report. After my statement was taken, I continued to scour the entire area, checking out every nook and cranny.

Up to sixty calls were made to her, one hundred and seven SMSes to her, and ten voicemails recorded in her voicemail inbox until it was so full it could take in no more. The six calls to her house yielded no results either.

I cursed myself for what I had done. One action, just one wrong move and my world was turned upside down. Why did I run away? Why did I not hold her hand to escape together? Why did I not care for her safety? Why did I say I would risk my life to save her?

Six hours later, I had no more tears. I slumped onto the pavement in defeat. I wished Destiny would materialise in front of me. She could slap me, scold me, beat me… anything! I did not care what she did to me, as long as she was alive.

Was it guilt, or was it love?

I asked myself repeatedly.

For the rest of the afternoon, I stood at the alley where I had last seen her. Each passing minute delivered my soul with a new blend of hope and disappointment. My eyes flickered around the alley, haunted by the memory of what happened a few hours ago. Like a creature, it would loiter silently in the dark, pounding on me whenever I opened my eyes.

Whether it was guilt or love, it still revolved around one girl: Destiny. No matter what the answer was, it did not matter. As long as she was safe.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered into the alley, so softly that I could hardly hear it myself.

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