Chapter 10

I was back to work a few days later. Almost all my colleagues knew about my mother’s condition. Some of them consoled me. After lunch, I was summoned to the Creative Director’s room.

My Creative Director is about fifty years old. He had always resented working for a younger boss, but had always respected Terry for his enterprising spirit. After a brief chat regarding the state of my mother, he got down to work. “We will create an artwork that talks…”

I did not listen to the project briefing. I was looking out through the window. It was then I realized that his room had a nice window view. When he finished, I glanced up at him. He was lifting his right eyebrow.

“Elle, I think you need more time.”

I nodded. I agreed with him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Terry gave me one month’s no-pay leave. I started to visit my mother everyday. Sometimes, she did not even know I was there. Most of the times, she would be sleeping when I reached the ward. I would just linger around the hospital, visited Doctor Tee and then went home.

My mother’s condition went from bad to worse. According to the nurse, it was the chemotherapy’s side effects. She vomited every time she woke up and would look listless for the rest of the day. She struggled even to go to the toilet. When I was around, I would help her to the toilet. She could not walk straight; she seemed to be feeling nauseous most of the time. The colour on her cheeks stayed pale and she had lost almost all her hair.

Is this the coffee-shop auntie who roamed around Da Fa Lai Coffeeshop every morning, serving coffee and shouting orders? This weak auntie?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I was in Secondary One, my classmates wanted to eat at Da Fa Lai Coffeeshop. They claimed that the new fish ball noodles there tasted “heavenly”.

At first, I told them that it was too far. They did not mind taking the bus, as we had bus concessions. Then, I told them we might be late for our remedial. They said the teacher had changed the remedial time from 2:30 p.m. to 3:30 p.m.; that would meant, we had a two hours’ break instead of an hour’s break.

I tried to think of more excuses when we were in the bus. When the three of us reached Da Fa Lai Coffeeshop, I eyed around like some private detective. I could not see her. Maybe, it’s her lunch break?

After one of my classmates ordered the fish ball noodles, I kept quiet. “Want drinks?” someone said. I looked up.

Bloody hell.

“Hello, ah girl. Hello girls. Want drinks?”

I looked away from her and said, “Lemon tea.” My classmates all ordered the same drink.

My mother walked away from us and shouted, “Clementi, three glasses!” I played with my fingers.

“Have you seen the new Billabong bag at Jurong Point’s 77th Street? Sharmain bought it! It’s so nice!”
I strayed away from their conversation. I was looking around the coffee-shop. The fish ball noodles came first. After that, my mother came back with three cups of lemon tea. The amazing feat was that she could balance the three cups with just her two hands.

She placed the cups on the table and was about to walk off when one of my classmates stopped her. “Auntie, money!” she said and put seventy cents on the table. We followed suit.

“Don’t need. I’m her mother.” she said and pointed to me.

I looked up. Teresa’s mother works in a big office at Raffles Place. Joyce’s mother works in an office at Lavender. Mandy’s mother is a housewife who drives a big car.

“Auntie, you got the wrong person.” I said and pushed the coins towards her.

My mother then took the money, smiled and did something amazing before going off.

She winked at me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Doctor Tee called me that morning and requested to talk to me about my mother, I anticipated something bad. That day, at twelve in the afternoon, Terry drove back home from his office to fetch me to the hospital.

I was shivering when I met Doctor Tee at my mother’s ward. My mother was asleep when we reached. Doctor Tee motioned us to the waiting room. There was no one in the room. When the three of us sat down, I sensed a dread feeling.

“Mrs. Tan, I’d like to emphasise again that what I am about to tell you is transparent. We’re not hiding anything from you.”

I nodded. Terry reached for my hand and gripped it hard. I swallowed and lowered my eyebrows. I pictured my mother in the ward, sleeping her afternoon off. Maybe, she was vomiting again?

“Mrs. Tan, your mother is not responding to the chemotherapy. The second course of drugs is not working on her. We’ve just done a bone marrow aspiration and a complete blood count. The blast cells are still in her. The side effects that she’s experiencing are also hard to control. I believe you’ve seen how much suffering she has been through with the side effects. She’s very ill now.”

I swallowed again and felt a large lump in my throat. Terry was holding on to the grip tightly. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, and opened them again. I crossed Terry’s fingers with mine and, then, uncrossed them. My lips were shaking. Doctor Tee was speaking so slowly, as if he was beating around the bush. I arrowed my eyes up at him. He seemed to be, all of a sudden, divorced from all emotions.

“Mrs Tan, your mother is rejecting further treatments. We have to respect her wishes.”

I exhaled and a rush of blood scurried in my face. I felt numbness in my hands. I looked up, and then down, then up again. Your mother is rejecting further treatments.

I unlocked my hand with Terry and tilted my head up slowly.

“We’ve informed her everything about her condition. She was very calm and strong. We’ll-”

“- let her die?” I cut in.

“Mrs. Tan-”

“Is that what you guys are going to do…?”

Terry leaned towards me and said, “Cutie, calm down-”

“Calm down? Alright, I’m bloody hell calm now. Come on, Doctor Tee, tell me what we should do now.”

He did not say anything for the next few seconds. He exchanged several glances with Terry and pressed his lips together. I dropped back on my seat and stared at him deeply. Mama is rejecting further treatments. Doesn’t she want to live? Huh? What the bloody hell…

“Mrs. Tan, we’ve suggested hospice care to your mother. Hospice is a palliative care centre. Palliative care is a form of medical care or treatment that concentrates on controlling the pain or slowing the disease instead of providing a cure.”

“So? You’re not going to cure her? You’re going to give her tons of painkillers? And, that’s-”

“Cutie, let him finish.” Terry said and reached for my hand again. I pushed his hand away. Palliative care? Not curative care? What in the bloody hell was Doctor Tee thinking?

“I’m afraid so, Mrs. Tan. We’re suggesting hospice care so that she will be able to enjoy the last few months-”

“Last few months? Oh, bloody hell.” I dropped back on my seat and whispered repeatedly, “Is that good or bad, huh? Bloody hell.”

Terry stroked my arms up and down. I was trembling so hard that everything in the room seemed to shake. Terry wrapped his arms around me, but I pushed him away.

“You’re supposed to cure her.” I said and pointed an accusing finger at Doctor Tee. “You’re supposed to cure her! You promised!”

“We didn’t promise-”

“This is a hospital, for god’s sake, not a bloody hell graveyard! People come here to be cured! Not to die! Not to be sent to… some place where she’ll be pain-free!” I jolted up from my seat. Terry grasped for my shoulder and I shoved his hand off. I was tingling with adrenaline. “Well? She is here to be cured.”

Doctor Tee stood up, as well. I shook my head aggressively and could feel my lips swinging left and right.

“Cutie, calm down. Look at me-”

“Mrs. Tan-”

“No, bloody hell. This should not happen. Not now!” There was a new-found energy in me, as if I had just breathed in too much oxygen. I just want to move; I just wanted to move fast and away. I did not mind knocking into anything; I just wanted to move.

I dashed for the door.

“Sorry doc, will get back to you, eh.” I heard Terry saying as I made my way out of the room.

I ran across the lobby, rubbing shoulders with several nurses. I could hear Terry chasing me. When I stood near the lift lobby, I leaned my back on the wall. After a few seconds, I rushed to the stairs, went down one or two floors and pushed opened the door.

Somehow, that was the exit. I was out of the building. There was a big “No Smoking” signboard fixed on the wall. I put two cigarette sticks on my mouth. By then, Terry was panting beside me.

“Cutie.” he said breathlessly. “Calm down. Don’t smoke here.”

“Dear, I didn’t invite mama to our wedding, but she was there! She was standing near the threshold when we read our vows! I saw her! I didn’t invite mama to our housewarming, but she was there! She was at the gates! I saw her!”

“Cutie-”

“Mama was always there! No matter how I have treated her, no matter what I had done to make her angry, she is always there.”

“Cutie-”

“She is dying.”

I dropped to the ground and sat down like a young girl. Then, I hid my head between my knees and stayed in that position. Terry was saying something that I could not hear.

I started to weep. I cried so long that I felt pain in my eyes and nose.

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