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Lilith Ng Xin Yi

In the Oxford School Dictionary, ‘Justice’ is defined as ‘being just: fair treatment’.

Bullshit.

In my dictionary, Justice is not about giving that terrorist the death sentence.
In my dictionary, Justice is not about jailing that rapist.
In my dictionary, Justice is not about punishing that boy who bullied the girl.

In my dictionary, Justice is about fighting for yourself: Just yourself.
In my world, Lady Justice doesn’t do her job; I do her job.

If I am born as a deer, I will hunt and kill tigers.
If I am born into a poor family, I will rob the wealthy of their riches.
If I am born without legs, I will break everyone’s legs.
If I am born hearing impaired, I will slice off everyone’s ears.

That is Justice.

My name is Lilith Ng and I am HIV-positive.

Soon afterward the young son of the king took ill. Said Nebuchadnezzar, "Heal my son. If you don't, I will kill you."
The Alphabet of Ben-Sira

(Almighty Lilith, oh Lilith, the seducer.)

Like how a predator observes its prey, I eyed the man; my thumbs hooked on the pockets of my jeans. I watched how the man stole looks at me, how he tried his best to appear inconspicuous.

The pub was dimly-lit, with loud music playing in the background. Almost all the seats were taken, for it was a Saturday night. A few guys sitting three tables away from me were giggling, with one of them pointing at my direction with his chin.

“I,” I said. I had put on minimum make-up today, for I was going for the girl-next-door look. “Where’s my wallet?”

I bent down. The angle was perfect: His eyes would roam onto me but his focus would be on my breasts. I pushed my hair back, so that he would get a better view.

(Sow the seeds of justice.)

“Where is it?” I stood up; my eyes still scanning the floor. “Hey, did you – did you see a wallet –” Flustered, worried and angry: The emotions of a woman who has just lost her wallet. “Did you see a wallet? It’s a brown Gucci. I – it should be somewhere around…”

“What happened?”

Finally, I lifted my head upon hearing his voice; my body still bending forward. “I lost my wallet. It should be somewhere around here.”

“Oh.” The man looked exactly like the perfect Student Union Leader in university: A short spiky hairdo, chiselled jaw line, suntanned skin and an ensemble of branded goods – an Armani Exchange shirt paired with Levi’s jeans.

“Did you see it around here? It’s a Gucci brown wallet.” I, on the other hand, looked like the freshman he had always fantasised about in school everyday: A low-cut t-shirt and a pair of leg-hugging Levi’s.

“No, not really…” he glanced around me.

“Oh my god.” I stepped back, blinking fast as if trying to control my tears. “It’s lost and I’ve got no money to go home!”

The man combed the floor around me and looked like he could lose his balance anytime.

(Let the world be equal.)

“Forget it. Forget it!” I thrust all my fingers into my long straight hair. The man’s gaze moved from my eyes to my chest and then back to my eyes. “I want to go home now. First, my boyfriend ditched me. Then, I flunked my exams. My friend deserted me for her boyfriend halfway through our Ladies’ Night. And now, I’ve lost my wallet. There is not a cent on me to get a cab home!”

“Erm, well…” the man cut in slowly. “If you don’t mind, I can send you home. I drive. I know exactly how it feels to lose a wallet. I’ve lost a dozen in my short lifetime.” He then chuckled.

“It’s okay.” I eyed the bartender. The bartender looked away immediately.

“Seriously, I would really like to send you home.”

“Really?” I scratched the back of my head as if I was hesitating. “That would be nice. But what about your friends who came with you…”

“They had gone home.” He had come in with three male friends, who had gone out for a smoke just a few minutes ago.

“Let’s get out of here fast then.” I said. “I hate everything here.”

“Well…” he leaned towards me and whispered, “Me too. Except you.”

(Craft my soul the same shadow)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That day, my name was Catherine Lim Siew Fang.

“I’m currently an undergraduate at NUS.” the man said, while we were in his car. He drove a two-door black Honda Integra, a model that had been discontinued. “I run a small business.”

“Whoa. Really?” I said. “Oh my god, you’re so talented. Young student entrepreneur!”

“Ha.” He turned the steering wheel with one hand and shook his head. “Nope, just bitten by the entrepreneurship bug. You? What are you doing now?”

“Full-time student at SIM.” I said. Before stepping out of my house today, I had already crafted a complete new image of myself: I did not miss out a single detail, even down to the minute details of my previous “boyfriend”. “Lost my parents in a car accident when I was young. Oh, you know something? I’ve always admired guys who start their own businesses. Life is all about risks and I think guys who like to take the risk are…” I paused, as if trying to find a word, “…sexy.”

(And mould their essence the same silhouette)

When we reached my flat’s car park, I asked if he wanted to come up for a cup of coffee. “Usually at this time… my boyfriend would be with me. But he’s no longer here. I cannot bear the loneliness.”

The man, Zhi Wei, beamed. “Sure, why not?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

(And gravely due so.)

The moment we stepped into my room, Zhi Wei wasted no time when he saw that the house was empty. It was obvious what both of us wanted when we started to pet in the lift. It started without both of us being aware: One moment, we were discussing about his talents in juggling schoolwork and business and when the lift reached the sixth floor, my hand was between his legs and he was groaning with pleasure.

He did not go for a bath and neither did I. Of course, we did not use a condom. I told him that it was safe. Our sex lasted for about thirty minutes and when it ended, he asked me about my life.

I then started to tell him about my so-called pathetic life: How much I miss my parents; how I often sink into self-pity and how much love I need daily after my boyfriend left me.

But, of course, that is the life of Catherine Lim and I ain’t any fucking Catherine Lim.

(Fucking – Amen.)

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