Our Memories

We were primary five then, and you sat six tables away from me. You had grown a lot faster than me, and you were at least three centimetres taller than me. Did you know that bothered me, not because I was annoyed that I was shorter than you, but because of your height, you sat behind me and I had no chance to look at you?

Amazing that I am one head taller than you now, eh?

There was a boy who was of your height. I can still remember his name like how a soldier remembers his nemesis’ name: His name is Adrian. I hated him to the core, because on the second day of school, he put his hand on your shoulder as he talked to you. He had called you like you two were close; or maybe, you two were.

You were always talking with him. I tried to eavesdrop, tried to walk pass you two as often as possible, but I always failed to listen to what you two were saying. Adrian had sharp eyes and a height that towered over many guys. He did not do anything nasty to me, but did you know that on the third day of school, I finally snapped? I went to him and despite him clenching his fist when I approached him, I said, “Hey, don’t think you’re big just because you are big.”

He then showed me how true confusion looked like: V and O. His eyebrows lowered to a V shape and his mouth turned into an O.

“You know Fang Ling?” I pressed on.

“Yeah.” He said. Of course he knew, I thought.

“She’s my friend.” I said, and my heart ached. Friend, I had said, without even thinking about you. Friend.

“Yeah, mine too. What’s up?”

That was when I thought I had enough: I pulled my fist to my back, and then within seconds, I jolted my punch forward. He caught my hand in mid-air with one hand, like how a baseball player catches a ball, and pushed me back.

“What.” I said, blinked ten times rapidly and fanned my hand. “Don’t think you’re big.”

“You’re sick, man.” Adrian said and walked off.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The world just seemed weird all of a sudden when Ben and Ridhuan came to me. Do you remember these two gangsters?

“Kena bullied, is it?” Ben said to me in “perfect Singlish”.

It was a question, and I thought of Adrian for five nanoseconds, you for six nanoseconds and replied: “Yes.”

“Adrian Kee, is it?”

I nodded. Do you know I almost mouthed out your name as well?

“He’s a kee siao guy.” Ridhuan cut in. The two of them were famous for getting into fights and were regulars in the detention room.

“Yeah, he’s siao. I dulan him for very long already. Sibei jia lat leh.” Ben said, and all I understood was that they were cursing Adrian, which made me feel good.

“Yah, tell you what, retard, you join us and we help you hoot Adrian. Want or not?” Ridhuan said.

“What is hoot?”

They then laughed together, and images of potatoes floated in my mind. Suddenly, the potatoes molded to the shape of your face, and into Adrian’s.

“Hoot is beat!” Ben said, swung a fist at me and held back just in time. “Want or not?

The image of Adrian being beaten up by Ben and Ridhuan aroused me. I pictured Adrian lying on the floor, begging me for mercy. Then I saw you beside him, smiling at me, as if telling me “well done”.

“Okay. How much is the membership fee?” I said.

They laughed again, this time louder. I did not understand why they liked to laugh so much. Finally Ben grabbed me by the shoulder and led me away from the canteen. “One thousand loyalty points, retard…”

Well, that was the worst mistake I had ever made in my life, superwoman…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

According to Ridhuan and Ben, the kick of shoplifting is not stealing what you want, but the feeling of stealing something that you have no use for. Of course, I did not understand initially, until Ben told me to meet him one Wednesday after school to steal something.

“But it’s wrong.” I told him.

“Fang Ling will be impressed.” Ben said, and I believed him, for I was willing to do anything to impress you.

We went to the NTUC FairPrice at Boon Lay Shopping Centre. According to Ben, the security people in NTUC FairPrice wear plain clothes, hence the excitement. Firstly, we had to spot who was the security guard in the big supermarket. We spent five minutes loitering around the supermarket. I was hoping to spot the security guard, for I believed that if I managed to spot him, I would be able to impress you.

“How?” At the sixth minute, Ben eyed around himself and said. “Think it’s that old guy over there. Sibei louya, see one time can spot liao.”

I stared at the old man. That was the one I had initially thought too. Knowing that he was the security guard, Ben said he will distract him while I go to the non-food section to put a woman’s panty into my pocket.

“Woman’s panty?” I said, capped my mouth with my hands and stared at Ben.

“Yeah. Go. Fang Ling will be impressed.” Before I could reply, Ben stepped towards the old man.
I had only one second to decide. I turned, licked my lips and cut towards the non-food section. It was easy; I just grabbed a red panty, balled it into my hand and slotted my fist into my pocket.

I eyed around before walking off, and I was stupidly thinking: Have I gotten the correct size?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you know I joined Pai Tang gang because I thought you would be impressed?

At first I just wanted to teach Adrian a lesson for being so close to you; but after getting Ridhuan and Ben to beat him up in the school toilet, he became so scared that he would not even dare to look at you or me eye to eye. Then I wondered whether I should leave Pai Tang gang; but seeing how cool I was when the gang of us sat at the back of the canteen, I knew I should not leave.

It was Ben who taught me how to smoke: “You must taleh. Taleh lah!” He kept on highlighting that when I just sucked the smoke into my mouth. “Taleh, mah-cham taking a deep breath. Don’t waste cigarette leh.”

On my sixth drag, I sucked in the smoke into my lungs and coughed immediately, like I had just inhaled some poisonous gas. Ben was laughing, saying that it was normal for a first-timer.

“That is taleh lah.” He said, “Suck into your lungs leh, very shiok. Come, take a few deep breaths first.” I breathed normally. “Okay, you ready?” I eyed Ben, nodded and lifted the cigarette towards my lips. “Taleh!”

I dragged hard, exhaled and a cloud of smoke funneled out from my mouth. A second later, I coughed, but that drag; it felt… good. Nice.

“Good. Cool, right?”

I nodded slowly, took a few deep breaths and placed the stick between my lips again.

“Fang Ling will be impressed!” Ben said, tapping my shoulder.

That was exactly what I wanted to know; if you would be impressed if you saw me smoking, for I thought that a person who smokes is always cool.

What a mistake I had made, superwoman.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you remember the day when I wanted to show you how cool I was?

It was a Wednesday evening, and I knew your car would pass by the traffic light near to Da Fei Coffeeshop. After school, I ran towards the traffic light like a schoolboy chasing a bus. By the time I was there, I made sure I was earlier than your car. I was panting when I lit up my cigarette. Do you know I nearly fainted when I dragged the stick as I panted?

A minute later, your silver car came in view. I surveyed the traffic lights around me, two fingers sandwiching my cigarette as I waved at your car. All I was thinking of was: Did you see my cigarette? Do I look cool to you?

Your car stopped at the traffic light and I smiled, walked towards your car, exhaled a cloud of smoke and looked inside.

Why do you like to sleep when you are in the car?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you remember that particular day, when I smiled the broadest and cried the hardest?

It was a Friday morning, when we went to our new secondary school. You had told me on the day when our PSLE results were released that you were going to go Yuhua Secondary School; and there I was, stepping into the school, so looking forward to seeing you.

I was allocated to class 1N3, and when I was in school, I kept on looking out for you. You finally came after a while in that big car of yours. When you alighted, I smiled, and I wondered why I was thinking that you looked like an angel in your brown Yuhua Secondary School’s uniform.

You had already walked for ten seconds in the carpark before I paced towards you. I was carrying a small Outdoor backpack, one of the most popular bags in Singapore then. Maybe you did not know this till now: I had stolen the bag together with some of the Pai Tang “brothers”.

You did not even take a second glance at me, so I followed you. After all, we were from the same primary school, so we were supposed to be familiar with each other.

“Hey, hello.” I said to you. Did you not hear me, or were you pretending not to hear me? “Fang Ling, hello!”

You turned, rolled your eyes and gave me a smile that looked so fake. Seconds later, you walked off.
Just like that, do you remember? Of course, I did not cry because of that. You should know why I cried; for that day was one of the most painful days of my life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you know I even remembered the exact time when it all happened? It was 6:59pm. I was waiting for your father’s car, but you did not walk towards the bus stop. Instead, you ambled out of the gates, your head turning around as if looking for someone.

Then, he came.

He was in the light-blue Commonwealth Secondary School uniform. I wondered why he looked like a devil in that outfit. I remembered him; of course I did. He is Wilson, the handsome Wilson from Qifa Primary School. The sporty Wilson who played for the school’s basketball team. The clever Wilson who could solve every problem sum in the Mathematics test papers. The talented Wilson who is every girl’s prince charming.

What you did was this: At first you smiled, then you skipped towards him like a little girl and then both of you reached for each other’s hands.

My tears did not come until you two walked towards the bus stop together, you kept on laughing while he kept on talking. That journey from the school to the bus stop: It amplified from one minute to one hour.

Have you ever cried so much, so sad that your heart starts to emit physical pain as well, like your heart is shedding tears? I had, because that was the first time I experienced that pain: Sharp, strong and like an emotionally-injected sting.

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